Is Having Married Friends of the Opposite Sex OK?

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The other day, a friend pointed out something very interesting to me. We were talking about two rather public personalities who are also good friends. One is a single woman, the other is a married man. My friend mentioned that, in various broadcasts, this woman seemed to be making quite a few offhand references to this married man. And it just didn't sound quite right. "Can't she manage to refer to his wife every once in a while, too?"

Around this same time, I had a conversation with another friend. Her marriage fell apart because her husband fell in love with a "friend" from work. She told me "No friendships between single women and married men. I just don't believe in it. Period."

As a single woman who calls several married men "friend," this made me think.

What kind of friendship is appropriate between a single person and a married person of the opposite sex?"

When three isn't a crowd

First of all, I firmly believe that, in any opposite-sex friendship that goes beyond being casual "work buddies," the single person must be friends with the couple. The three of you need to spend time together, and be comfortable together. At the very least, the spouse has to know you and be comfortable with the fact that you're friends.

But what if the spouse doesn't want to be your friend? Well, that depends. Is it because his wife hates your guts? Is her husband jealous or threatened by your relationship? If that's the case, then there will be no friendship for you. Period. Even if the spouse's objections are unjustified. Even if the friendship is completely innocent. "But she's a terrible wife. Why should she get to tell him who can be his friend?" It's not about her right to control his friendships. It's about your "right" (or lack thereof) to make yourself a source of division between them.

Because, no matter how many problems they have in their marriage, you don't want to be one of those problems. Because you only know one side of the story, and you're just a stone's throw away from "my wife doesn't understand me like you do." Because you don't want to be even a tiny part of the reason a marriage breaks up.

I always think of a line I heard Condoleezza Rice say. She was asked if she would continue to serve as Secretary of State, and she said, "I serve at the pleasure of the President." In other words, if the President no longer wishes a cabinet member to serve, that member is gone. Just like that. It's the same here. If you have a married friend, you serve at the pleasure of the spouse. He or she has full veto power at all times.

But what if the spouse doesn't have a problem with the friendship, but just isn't interested in getting to know you? Maybe he's just too busy at work. Maybe she's busy at home with the kids and trusts her husband's judgment. Maybe vice versa.

Okay, fine. But, you'd better have very healthy boundaries that respect the sanctity of their marriage.

Boundaries

This is a different kind of friendship. There are—or should be—significant boundaries.  You can't call another woman's husband the way you can call a girlfriend—or even a single male friend—to talk about your problems or for a shoulder to cry on.  You should never, ever listen while he complains about his wife or she talks about the problems in her marriage. If the problems are significant and this person clearly needs someone to talk to, you find someone else and bow out immediately.

Again, you don't ever, ever get into the middle of their marriage. You don't keep secrets between them—unless it's about a surprise party or an anniversary gift or something.

On one of the soap operas I occasionally watch, a husband just had an affair with his wife's best friend. I watched it carefully to see how they set it up, because these shows always have a way of making these little trysts seem inevitable. "We didn't plan it.  It just happened." Of course it all starts very innocently. She loves them both. She's being a good friend. Then the couple starts having trouble, and the wife leaves town to sort things out. From that point on, I started to pause the TV and make a mental note every time they made a "little" choice that led them to their "inevitable" affair.

He confides in her about the trouble in their marriage. She comforts him. They share a horseback ride. They remain silent while a camp counselor assumes they're married and assigns them to a shared bunk (apparently a common situation in soap-opera-land).  And so on.

Maybe they didn't "plan" it. But if they hadn't stomped on all of those boundaries along the way, "it" wouldn't have just "happened."

My own married friends

I have several very good friends who are married men. And we have some pretty good talks. The thing is, more often than not, it's the three of us involved in the conversation. Their wives are there—they are an active part of the conversation and the friendship. And, if occasionally there's a deep conversation without the wife present, it's only because she has been there so many times, it's like she's there. The conversation is no different because of her absence. And if she were to walk in halfway through, she'd be welcome and we'd be eager to have her join in and add her perspective.

I can't speak for men in this regard, but I do have some passing familiarity with women. God created us with a built-in desire to want to see ourselves through a man's eyes, to depend on a man, to share our lives with a man. When that doesn't happen, some women get tempted to place other men, even partially or imperfectly, into that role. That's probably not such a big deal if the man involved doesn't belong to someone else. It may not be such a great idea, but at least nobody else is dragged into it. But it's a different story when that man is married. A woman may rationalize it all kinds of different ways, but that bottom line is that it's not only a very bad idea—it's wrong.

The thing about being a friend is that it involves looking out for what is best for that friend. And if your friend is married, part of that means respecting the sanctity of his or her marriage.

To behave any other way is very, very bad form.

 

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